recent trip

-cochlear implant report - three months have come and gone and i went to iowa so they could examine my progress. they measured my hearing, both with and without, and said i was doing as expected and all was well. researchers did a number of tests and actually provided me with a hotel room in coralville so they could do more tests. at one point one researcher asked me how it was going, and i said, pretty well, and he said, i was nervous about asking because i asked one person and they broke out in tears.

so here's a more accurate overall picture. this device connects to my head by magnet and sometimes comes loose when i take off a sweater or brush my arm against by head. the device has a battery that i charge every night and that lasts almost fourteen hours; it's kind of a pain if my day lasts fourteen and a half (which it does) or fifteen, but the alternative is charging it during the day or switching over to another battery midstream which is difficult but not impossible. when it runs out of battery it makes annoying beeps and then simply dies. i have to get used to this.

there are plenty of times when i am using only the CI (on the left), or only the old hearing aid (on the right), and therefore know how much i catch with only one of them. in general my brain is becoming more accustomed to relying on the CI because it's better for picking out exactly what people say. the hearing aid is simply an amplifier for what is already unclear. they told me that in a year the right will probably be ready too but they'll take it as it comes and not make plans; also, that it takes about a full year for me to adjust completely to using and relying on a CI but that I am on the path to doing it.

deep under my skull an implant is picking up electric signals from the device and transferring them to my brain which is now responding to electric signals as opposed to just noise. the part deep inside my brain actually responds to other things too which means i get some signals from moving my hand near my ear, pressing on my ear lobe, etc. it's kind of like picking up radio waves in your fillings. these signals used to scare me in the shower because i was afraid my CI was still on, but it wasn't, wasn't anywhere near it. these sounds are not too bothersome but they couldn't explain them and said they would do their best to find out. i'm just curious - how can simple air movement, for example drying my hair with a towel, or pressing my hand on my skull, activate that little electric prod down there. it doesn't affect my daily life that much though, so i'll drop it.

as a door dasher i'm often in the situation when i'm in a crowded room and still have to hear what somebody is saying to me. often it is, "there's a drink with this too," or "don't forget the barbecue sauce," but whatever it is i need to hear it. i do better with the CI than with the hearing aids. i'm back in the game, so to speak. which was the point.

it's cold, very cold. like ten, or less, and i don't think it will last long, but it has lasted a while and i think some people are becoming a little loopy. it's hard to live with this stuff. for example, when i woke up this morning, there was a brand new inch of snow on the ground. it was hard to tell how badly it messed up the drivers outside my front window; they seemed to be going their usual 35 in spite of it, and in spite of the fact that it's a brick street, sometimes quite slick. i watched them for a while. finally i got out in it. the driving wasn't all that bad; most of the main roads are pretty clear, hard-salted. but it was unpleasant. cold, slippery, iced over in many places - especially the side streets.

the sun came out and gave us a hand - it melted and dried a lot of the snowy fluff on the street that would have otherwise frozen into ice. another day or two of sun and it'll be back to normal.

but what is normal? here we are in mid-january. normal is bleak. it's winter.

i'm about to put the beginnner's guide to quakerism out into the world. it's a pamphlet; actually i have been printing it for four years. it was written primarily by maurine pyle, an old quaker friend of mine who died, maybe two or three years ago. i printed it at home for a while but my printer got worse and worse. finally in frustration i put it on amazon, but then i found a printer who would do them for cheap. other printers ignored my inquiries or have just sat on it for a while. that's how you can tell they don't really want to do it. it's radical religiously - they already know that without reading it - and maybe in their hearts they just don't want to be cranking that kind of thing out. but a press i found was willing to do it - and ship it from oregon. i'll work on setting it up tomorrow.

in the bitter heart of winter, i think of my parents. both died in january. i'm not even clear on the exact dates - my father, i think, on the 20th; my mother, a few years earlier, on the fourteenth? not sure, but that would make my mother's date tonight. we were there when she took her last breath. her mind had preceded her. she no longer knew who we were. she heard a car just outside, waiting to take her; she wanted to go with.

las cruces at that time, mid january, is actually quite pleasant. that's whhy people go to live there. at night it's cool, maybe a nice breeze. didn't matter, we were in grief. my father at the time was actually angry. how can you be married fifty years and have somebody not know who you are. well it happens, it happens in nature, that's how it happened. he got over it; he even had a girlfriend, but i think he was still angry. you can't take it personally; i tried not to.

went out to drive out to my son's trailer; it's three miles. sooooo cold. i didn't feel like hanging around. one of the kids wanted a ride somewhere to pick something up. sorry, it's after ten, i don't want to make one more trip out here. it's toooooo cold. the street was solid ice. it was still; nobody outside or around. not sure my son likes it out there. but it's really hard on us when he's in here. everyone is trying to figure out how to make it in this world. it's not easy when it's ten degrees. saw one lady walking; another was homeless, at the caseys. ouch. i'm glad i'm not them.

it sometimes seems like a cruel world. more accurately, it's just a world where if you don't know anyone, it seems really cold. slowly we've come to know the place. it's just a town. it will hopefully feel warmer, as time goes by.

i've been a bit sluggish. the new year came and went, and cold weather just got grimmer, greyer, colder, and finally snowier. i don't mind the snow on some level; it's what winter is all about and if you go a winter without it that's really bad. but the combination, snow, ice, slippery roads, and bitter chill - it makes me want to take a break from door-dashing.

the dashing itself isn't so bad. people tip well, and they keep you busy, and they pay well, or at least well for door-dashing. i can get the money i need in less time. but i enjoy it less and it takes intense concentration. sometimes the walking - from the car to their doorstep - is treacherous. the main roads are not.

at home i finally wrote out the things i am trying to do a little bit of every day. writing is among them but one of the things that is getting moved to the bottom of the heap constantly. maybe that's my problem - that i am feeling sluggish because i'm not being a writer. instead i'm stalling or doing just about whatever else demands my attention.

beyond door-dashing there's grocery shopping, laundry, running out to c's house, running around from here to there, getting prescriptions or whatever. we're lucky - the cars are running - and it is temporary - eventually february comes along and it's all in the past. if only i can make it that far.

i think of the people who won't. there are actually quite a few. both my parents died in january and that alone gives me a kind of gloom that it's a tough season to get through. i can't think of a january that was easy but they all passed into february eventually. there's a kind of inevitability about it. we know trump is coming. that's chaos, trouble, hard times for most of us.

on that score i will say this: most of the world has despotic, corrupt rulers. it's depressing to see our government for sale and to see the wealthy moving in to take advantage of a leader who basically just wants to clear his debts and to buy off forgiveness of his assaults and treachery, but sorry, i for one will never forgive, and i'm not for sale, as long as they let me vote i'll vote no. and i'm not holding my breath for the midterm election or any other, because i don't believe that he won't use "loyalty" to buy off county clerk offices and make sure he doesn't lose again. he will lose at least here but that's not saying much. apparently everyone else is ok with his thievery, lying, fraud, etc.

it's just a little bleak to see. it's like the dying of democracy, along with the bugs and the birds that have finally given up and gone down south.