christmas blues III

i don't want this to simply be an account of what everyone got, how they felt, where they went off to, etc., but a certain amount of that can't be avoided. kids were here, sharing gifts, hanging out, having a good time. my son got a vlogging camera and that seemed to make him happy though he left behind a few things, like the directions and maybe a charging cord. that means both of our own children who are around were happy, as were the three foster children, two of whom really raked it in.

but there are a few kids out on the edge of our circle, and we didn't get anything for them. specifically two boys, half brothers, who have been staying with our son indefinitely and will probably stay there indefinitely. we take food over there so they don't starve. we did tell our son, please don't let these two stay, because we can't afford to feed them. but these two have no other place to go. totally bereft of job skills, or any skills for matter, they make us feel like there isn't much for it but to feed them or watch them starve. so we spent christmas money feeding them, and then, had no money to buy them a christmas. no hoodie, no stocking full of candy, no nuthing. so there are a couple kids with the blues i guess. other kids got something. everyone got a feeling of family. i should be grateful. no violence. no anger or tantrums. no passive-aggressive either. people are just grateful for what we can do.

soometimes i say, i look to survive christmas, not enjoy it. you can't have this huge crowd of kids hovering around and exxpect everyone to be happy. slowly they have to learn that they'll make their own christmas, even if it's walking over to the woods, gathering up some evergreen, and decorating their own space with it. these guys are well into the habit of doing nothing, what gets done is what others do for them. why should their expectation be my problem? i've started assuming that's how they wanted it. but the fact is they just weren't able to learn how to do such things themselves. get a job, haul in some money, get some presents for friends and family, all stuck at the source: getting a social security card, so they can get a job. even this, apparently, is more than they can handle.

back at home, the house is peaceful. it's a cold, foggy day, grim and gray, and i should go out walking but i'm babysitting as my wife goes out for an aa meeting. she feels a special commitment to covering it on the holidays because she knows that's when people need it the most. and so off she goes, passing along a commitment to sobriety even as some of us are kicking back, enjoying the calm holiday's sunset descend into night.

these short days, it doesn't take long. it's like four and i can see it coming. and i'm already tired, and i wouldn't mind calling it a night and starting new tomorrow. but i work the night shift - take meds and something to eat to the son, and do what i can to keep things running. means that, whatever, i'm up 'til about ten.

this year more than ever i'm thinking about christmases past, old times, things we've done and carried on. the luminaria, the violence, the notes to santa, the long walks and tours of lights, the silence by the tree at night. the aa meetings to keep it all together and carry into the new year. the bad weather, or in this case, warm, wet, gray. contemplative. at this point i'll let it go and say, hope i'm back for another year. i'm still recovering from surgery.