Monday, January 05, 2009

those following the bibliography (entries in italics) might be interested in the big picture, which is indexed here; i surely have enough now to fill a book, but realize that there are so many gaps, so much to fill in. it's partly a question, of course, of how much one really needs to say, but, i'm finding that just going over this past, even in my mind before i write, is very useful in its own ways. it's been quite a journey.

at home now, using various computers and going back and forth, i occasionally run into my own pictures, those that i'd stored at the picture site and assumed were lost. is it a cache-ghost, come to haunt me? does the cache happen to store, whatever, and give me images of the recent past, or, does the photo-hosting service keep trying out new servers, thus giving me instantaneous, though not lasting, images, which i myself had entrusted them with at one point? don't know. i think, maybe, it's not coming back. and that, the mess i face, which i find difficult, too hard to deal with (like the huge pile at the office)- well, it's break, and one can only do what one can; by the time evening rolls around, i'm pretty tired. but i have noticed: there are quite a few of those pictures around, on one desktop or another; i think that, in the process of restoring, i'll find plenty to work with. and that process will start very soon, i hope.

as unspeakable tragedy unfolds in gaza, all i can say is, war is not the answer; i turn away, again in frustration, that the world never seems to learn. i hereby bury my head in my photo-service mess, hoping to skip over the google news headlines as i pass through into my online ruins. i practice escapism, the desire to not try to apply reason, or analysis, or war-mongering on either side, to a situation that is clearly already too terrible. instead, in tiredness, i give up, go to bed, & hope that, in the morning, perhaps i can write more of my own story.


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