lately i've been in the business of using ancestry.com to find the barest outlines of distant relatives' lives, to figure out who's still out there, whether they are as distant as third or fourth cousins. I've always said that we should at least recognize these relatives if not reach out and say, we're here, we're still family, etc.

in times where i needed something, like the diary of a great-great grandfather, i've actually reached out to them, and that's how i found this one guy, maybe fourth or fifth cousin, but living in Turkey. It turned out he was the same age as me, also from illinois, so i got a strong sense of there-but-for-the-grace-of-god-go-i. I could have very easily given up on this country, married some person from another land, found a new homeland, but i didn't, and now the fascist revival is coming to swallow us up. ah well.

but here's another one. this one is maybe a third cousin, or because we are dealing with his daughters, third cousins once removed. one of them called me back when I was in texas (2012-2016) and we had a long talk. i remember a lot from that call but some of it i may not remember correctly. she was in long beach california (there-but-for-the-grace-of-god-go-i), had turned her life around, and was trying to contact old relatives and reestablish connections.

it struck me even at the time how profound this turnaroud was, as if she'd been in the depths of hell, which of course she didn't share, but was now seeking a much more positive relationsip with her environment and her world. there was a boyfriend/husband in the picture. turns out there was a kid too. and there was a sister too, who she implied was still in the depths of hell and i probably wouldn't be seeing too much of her.

i became friends with her on facebook and no sooner did i do that, than she died. her facebook is still there, with connection, deep within it, to her sister, who even back in ~2015 looked a little sallow and serious. somewhere in there i thhought i saw her fatehr, a guy whho looked a little like me but sligthly older. there is no record in ancestry of his marrying anyone, and their birth records are very vague about both their mother and their father although it appears they have both. the picture i get is of estrangement from the mother, as if who knows what happened, and lives of great tribulation and hardship on the streets of Long Beach. it's not clear what she died from, or whether either of those parents are still around.

i feel like reaching out, but i have no reason at the moment, nothing to offer except hey, i'm your third cousin once or twice removed, how's it going. the sister is not actively using facebook, the kid would be maybe eight. they'd be able to tell me more, i'm sure, usually it comes out eventually. none of this is secret, but a lot of it goes undocumented and takes a little effort to recover.

big storms are gathering here. i do this genealogy stuff because it seems to go with the rest of what i do: hours and hours of door-dashing, taking fast food across town for people endlessly, sometimes better food, sometimes way out to the country or to a nearby town. i like to think about these other people's lives or about historical things while i do it. and it has to be the kind of activity, unlike writing, that i can set down at moment's notice. like right now, i have to pick up my son, quick before the sky opens out.