my hearing seems to be slowly slipping away. a lot of people are alarmist, as they have to yell at me all the time and it gets them, most notably my wife who makes doctor's appointments, gets me to take allergy meds, gets me to wear my hearing aids, and still has to yell at me all the time. i've become fatalistic - nothing seems to work, so i just retreat into silent worlds like my garden or my writing, and wish people wouldn't bother me.

when i drive kids around they play music or shriek at each other and now of course i'm wearing my hearing aids and it seems like an incredible endless racket. i slip them off and i hear less and less. i do generally get the ambulance sirens though and i get the general tone of their voices if not the detail. i hear that there are voices which i suppose is better than hearing nothing at all.

then tonight all of a sudden, doing my writing in the silence, a huge background noise starts up. it doesn't even sound like it's coming from my ears, yet no one else seems to hear it. it's like crickets magnified by twenty or thirty. who knows what's going on? i can't seem to do anything about it. shutting my ears doesn't help, or anything else. in fact it sounds so much outside my ears, that i keep asking the kids if they hear it too.

eventually i'll just give up and tell everyone i don't hear so well. i started this at walmart today. the lady was actually pretty nice to me. it's partly because i'd stood in a long line, whole overloaded carts full, and had only about five things.

it tends to make me more of a fanatic - in particular, about my writing. checking my ratings every time i open the computer, reading in deals that make it so people read mine, checking the facebook & twitters for people who are interested in connecting. the world of authors is vast and interesting, and all of them are on the hustle, and there's a lot of desperation out there. i am looking for certain ones, ones that can read my books, and i'm doing it mostly because i reached the point where i wanted anyone reading my books. i do generally find that when they read them they like them. that doesn't always mean they get more of them though.

in general i see it as kind of like the sea, putting a tiny boat out into an infinite sea. there is absolutely no guarantee that anyone will find you ever, but in general your chances are better if you make some noise and dress up real nice. nice big signs help too. but as for what part of the sea has more traffic? one soesn't know until one gets out there.