Wednesday, September 25, 2019

more on the puppy - we were about to give up, since she has two fatal diseases, parvo and pneumonia - but this morning the vet said she was doing better. temperature down and taking in some food, probably. this is a good sign and means she might pull out of it. parvo is a virus, and might take a while to go away, so it may be a long haul, but we are hopeful. i changed from mourning to hopeful.

the fact is, you can get attached pretty quickly. she has big eyes, and looks up at you with her full trust. she has a very long tail, which, when she's in puppy mode, well, that's active too. she will not be competition for the other puppies, although the big black lab has had mournful eyes ever since the little white yorkie showed up. i'm not sure if these puppies need to be your only one, or they just need your absolute loyalty. but it seems to me that when a puppy like this little tesla comes and looks you in the eyes, it would be heartless to just turn your back.

fact is, we took her from the pound, accepting every consequence, agreeing to follow through, agreeing to take care of her. now we're wondering if the other puppies are up on their parvo vaccinations, and i know the little white yorkie is, but the other two, maybe not. one got into a skunk the other night. he wondered why we didn't really want to let him into the kitchen this morning. he sat out on the porch and barked. one side of me is like, little too much puppy around here. it's only a tiny house.

in our routine, the four school days are way different from the three weekend days. our kids have grown to be all over ten, and now it's a question of whether they can really entertain themselves, and whether it's possible to feed them acceptably. By acceptably, i mean, they would really rather have something fried and greasy, and there's only so much in our small town of under a thousand, and so, we run down the hill occasionally. down there they stock up: two big macs, milkshake, large fries, whatever is addictive. get your fill. down there it's about twenty degees warmer too. i roll down the window and get some sunburn on my arms.

addiction, addiction. i've come to see the puppy as a product of addiction. the fourteen-year-old has an addiction to impulse buying, an addiction to love, and an addiction to anything that makes him feel like he has something his sisters don't. his mother has an addiction to impulse buying, an addiction to mothering, especially babies, and an addiction to pleasing the fourteen-year-old. in that sense the puppy was perfect for both of them, and gave her all the love she could possibly want and expect, and that she no longer gets regularly, from grandchildren or other tiny ones in her circle. her grandchildren, now, are getting older, four, five, seven, not so many babies these days. i'm about to have a grandson, in november, but that baby, far away, will be a while before it's in my arms. this puppy, i'm hoping, will fill the gap for a year or two.

down at the dance studio this dance teacher says i can hold her baby while she teaches dance, and it will lower the price for my two girls, and be a favor to us both. i took the deal, and held her for one lesson; she fell asleep in my arms. a tiny baby, about one, getting teeth, she would point over to where her mom was teaching with a big question in her eyes, like, can't i just go over there? but maybe she knew she couldn't. she accepted my rocking, and looked out at the world, tenth street alamogordo, outside the 5-7-5 dance studion, and then she gave it up and fell asleep. i'd told her about the early days of my daughter, who looked like her, small, blonde, one or younger, innocent, beautiful, a little feisty, and as i told the story, she seemed to understand. it was a story of a kid who knew that the person carrying her was not the greatest pro, not the perfect diaper changer, but nevertheless, loved her more than you could possibly imagine.


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